(As Seen In Aug ‘09 Canadian BIker Magazine)
by Bill Gedye
The KGB is coming to the Kootenays. Not the ‘Komityet Gosudartvennoy Bezopasnosti’ from the good old USSR days of James Bond and SMERSH, but rather the sound of laughter in the woods at the Kootenay Gut Buster. For the 3rd year, Mary Liard has managed to successfully blend the sounds of ‘har de har’ and the ‘potato-potato’ of an idling Harley into an annual live comedy event – the KGB.
Toad Rock Motorcycle Campground is the best kept secret on the west coast. It lies just north of Nelson and just south of Ainsworth Hot Springs, on BC’s Hwy 31. If you happen to approach it from Creston, BC, along Hwy 3A, you’ll be riding along “Destination Highways” #DH1, or the top rated motorcycle highway in British Columbia – 78.3 kilometers of abandoned mines, winding roads and ice-cold mountain streams. Running north from Hwy 3A, it follows the nap of the land and sometimes occupies a narrow man-made shelf of road along the mountains bordering Kootenay Lake, with wide, sweeping turns and lots of elevation changes.
When you arrive at Toad Rock, the first thing that will blow you away is the pavilion. It is supported by live trees and houses all the comforts of home – a bar, sofas, pool table,coffee corner and stage. The stage, complete with a permanent drum set so you can practice at 2 in the morning, presides over half an acre 
of picnic tables, a fire pit sand a concrete burn-out pad, complete with Dave Clancey’s burnt out Road King on a pedestal. It was lost in a 2004 barn fire.
Mary has 2 large dogs that rule 36 acres and keep errant bears off the property. Desi is a large black Bouvier and Lucy (pronounced Lucky, for obscure reasons) is a super-sized black Lab cross. In the middle of a black night, you’ll hear OWOOOOO, getting fainter and fainter as the dogs blast through the trees. When you don’t hear it any more, you’ll know that whatever was out there is in the next postal code. Legend has it that Lucy played a starring role in one previous KGB act when he ambled up on stage lookin’ for a little lovin’ and made a beeline for entertainer Scott Dumas’ crotch. Lucy, being the size he is, almost lifted Scott off his feet with a bag-tag. Without skipping a beat, and with a Jay Leno look to the hysterical crowd, Scott started in on a hilarious routine with the unwitting Lucy as the star. Desi just rolled his eyes.
This year, headliner and organizer Darryl Makk rode in on his 1300 Bandit with a new rear tire in the chase van known as the ‘clown car’, as it carried the rest of the cast. He announced that he would do a burnout at the end of the first evening on his Bandit and nosed it into the rock wall at Clancy’s Pit.
It was “The Silent Burnout”.
With the stock can on it, the rear tire disappeared in a fog of tire smoke but the weird thing was, none of the sleeping campers knew it had happened. It was like, “if a tree falls in the woods…”. The only thing anyone noticed was the pungent odour of rubber briefly intruding on the woodsy atmosphere but the tire was well and truly cooked.
Overall the feeling of the event was a sense of fun. The entertainers really look forward to coming to the Toad Rock venue and it shows in the energy of their performances. Darryl and the others were smokin’ all night, and there was rebellion in the air when he started slamming Tim Horton’s. Darryl also got onto the subject of the 2008 phenomenon decomposed feet found washing ashore in the lower mainland and the USA:
“Canada – 5, USA – 1 …we’re going to the playoffs!”, he announced jubilantly.
On the same subject he announced his new hobby – collecting feet:
“Hold it to your ear, you can hear the laces being tied”.
At this point, no well before this point, political correctness has suffered an agonizing demise.
Darryl also sideswiped the subject of the paranoia surrounding unattended backpacks:
“Hell, before 9/11, if you saw an unattended backpack – you stole it.”
Stephanie Foley, a little package of feminine dynamite, related a story during her first year of performing with the group. Darryl was off fulfilling his dream of signing female breasts and she was miffed….so she borrowed Darryl’s Sharpie and offhandedly commented that she would sign ‘nutsacks’. Don’t you know it, before the night was out,seven of them were lined up at the table. Darryl would never use that Sharpie again.
Peter Kalamus explained his version of ‘The Wave’. As he rides a V-Rod himself, he waves at anything. Sport bikes never wave at Harleys unless the Harley waves first. Never wave at a scooter. He had to chase down a scooter to take back his wave because some of the new scooters look like sport bikes from head-on.
Dan Guiry, Karen O’Keefe, Kelly Dixon and Mike Patterson rounded out the night. James Moore M.C.’d the evening, providing the comic glue joining these 7 acts into a solid evening of fun. If you’re from Calgary, you can watch this group on a regular basis at Darryl Makk’s ‘Comedy Detour’ in Kit’s Pub on 6th Ave NW. This is where they road test their new material.
Picture this – you’re sitting at a picnic table with a cold one in your hand, twilight promises a warm evening, the stage lights come on and the sound system crackles to life – the show’s about to begin and you’re going to have fun now that the KGB has arrived at Toad Rock.
But this year, guys, bring your own Sharpie, Darryl’s not lending his…